OK so the title is a bit harsh but you looked didn’t you. Imagine though that the only photo you have of your baby is one that well…is not flattering. I have heard a consistent fear among those who are adopting that I thought I’d address and I look forward to reading your thoughts on this as well. Many people when waiting for their referral and photo become worried that when the look at the picture, the baby will not be this amazing beauty and that they will not feel connected to that child. Then this fear is compounded with guilt when they think how awful they must be for hoping for a beautiful child. If you have adopted, let me ask you, when you were waiting for a referral, did you think this way…ever?
Over and over I read about parents who are feeling so bad not only because they are hoping but even those who have felt disappointed when they first looked at the picture of their baby. The main reason there is so much guilt, in my opinion, is because of the assumed spotlight that is on them because they are adopting.
Let me share an interesting story. Just after coming home from Guatemala last year, we learned my wife was pregnant and she gave birth to our baby boy in January. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of how he would look (usually hoping he took after my wife instead of me 
. His birth was an exceptionally difficult one and it made him, well not very attractive when he first appeared. Did it affect my love for him in any way? No of course not. Did I want that huge knot on his head to go away? yes of course. If it didn’t go away, would I still love him? Are you kidding, he is my baby! Did it take a little bit to get used to at first? absolutely. My baby boy, as handsome as he is now, just was not beautiful upon first sight!
What I am trying to say is that these hopes and these fears are normal for parents to be feeling. It is part of what makes us human. I’ve heard so many parents share stories of really bad referral photos and when you look at their children you wonder who took that picture. Others have even met their babies and felt badly because they didn’t find them “beautiful” (Oh you know what I mean). However, all of these parents will relate their stories of how beautiful these children became as that bond of love began to grow.
Now that does open the discussion of “Do you not accept a referral based upon the photo alone.” Obviously the acceptance of a referral is very personal and is a big decision. My hope is that, though these are normal anxieties and fears, they won’t be driving factors in the decision making process. I heard one mother say a very true statement when she said she would hope that she would not be judged by her driver’s license photo!
Oh by the way, Baby Boy looks just enough like his mommy’s family to make him a heart-breaker!
One of the coolest things I witnessed in Guate when I went to pick up my daughter was watching a Dad that was also picking up his daughter. His 4 year old daughter had a mishapen head, her teeth were black and her legs were bowed from rickets. His face beamed with pride and love and he kept expressing how beautiful she was. It was obvious that he loved her and she adored him. That to me is what adoption is all about.
Lisa
Post from “Larue” on the Adoption Forum
I read your articles and enjoyed them. As for ugly babies — I think most babies look like Winston Churchill and need to grow into their features. My niece looked like ET when she was born (bald head, long neck and big eyes). I used to stand over her crib and touch my finger to her forehead..and say “phooooone home”. Now she’s a lovely young women, with a generous spirit and incredible heart.
I have to say when I saw our baby girl’s referral picture — I was immediately in love. And would like to believe I would have loved her even if she wasn’t the cutie pie that she is. Just because she’s mine
As for racism…I agree…that we all need to be prepared and not bury our heads in the sand, and pretend it doesn’t exist. I have already experienced the “I could never adopt a child that didn’t look like me” and she’s kind of dark…isn’t she” comments. Ugh!
Thanks again for the very insightful articles!
Post from “Slatond10″ on the Adoption Forum
Thanks for reminding me about the race issue… It is so easy to look at the incredibly beautiful face and heart of my DD each day and “forget” that others may see something different.
However, just like you, I have not really experienced what I will need to prepare her for. I guess I will just have to be “open” and willing to let her share her feelings and experiences with me when they happen. But I already know it will tear my heart out when someone is mean to her. She is only 18 months old now and just the comments from 5-9 y.o. boys at playgrounds can have me gripping my seat until my knuckles turn white and there are just being normal boys as they call her a “monster” and play keep away. Luckily she is such a social butterfly, full of joy and she giggles and runs full speed ahead to catch them. They soon enjoy her and look for her to play the next time we visit that play area.
I pray she keeps her positive tempermant and joyful attitude about life. Wish I could protect it but will continue to be open to finding ways to deal with the “racism” she will be exposed to.
Thanks again for reminding me it exist.
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Zazzi posted on the Guatemala Adoption Forum.
Just read your message and would like to add that my wife and I both use things like racist comments etc as a means of filtering out the people we know we never want to have anything to do with. We have a few quick sharp comments and an attitude that instantly removes them from our future.
I am from Australia and I must say that I am constantly amazed at how racially divided the US is. It appears in news papers, on TV, ….everywhere.
Was recently in Guatemala for our first visit and met a very nice couple from East Coast whose parents were unhappy with their adoption…unbelievably selfish and bigotted was our immediate reaction….good on them for seeing past this sort of thinking and doing the wonderful thing they are doing. It is difficult when you face this sort of thing within your own family but you really need to realize that it is only an ignorant or narrow mind that adopts that attitude and it is one we can all live without. I had to cease all contact with my only sister for similar reasons and now I do not have that negative energy in my life.
Perhaps it would be good to remind them that you are more interested in a childs well being than other peoples negative attitudes and leave it at that. Good luck