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Here’s an open letter to those of you who happened on this site. You’re not sure why your here but somehow you are reading this sentence right now. Let me impart some wisdom to you that will prevent you from being placed in the hall of shame in many circles due to a comment or question that “just slipped.” So please read on!
OK so it’s actually very early in the morning and this post will get buried in amongst all of the well written posts by my colleagues at www.adoptionblogs.com. It’s probably a good thing because I am not in the greatest of moods tonight but felt the need to write anyway. I’ve given up sodas until at least August 11, 2006 (when we return from a grueling service mission trip to Guatemala). The lack of Cheerwine running through my veins has cause them to bang on my head as if asking for more fuel. So forgive me if I rant a little.
Since we became apart of the adopting/adoptive community I have read posts, heard stories, and actually received some of the most ignorant comments from others outside this realm. Usually someone will post on the Guatemala Adoption Forum about a recent comment received and then the floodgates open as others chime in with either their responses or comments they too have received. So let me share with you some things we have heard and let you know why never to say these things.
The Comments Not To Say:
- How much did that baby cost? Our children our priceless, there could never be a cost associated with our love for them. The money we paid was for the services professionals performed to facilitate paperwork and legal action. We understand the gist of your question but it is insensitive and doesn’t show a concern for the child. If you ask this, the wall will be built between you and the person you asked.
- Why didn’t you have your own children The answer you will receive, if you are fortunate to receive one at all, is that our adopted babies are our children. There is no difference in how we consider them ours than any other parent. Again we understand your curiosity but think of a better way to ask. For many, this question reaches into many sensitive areas none the least of which are infertility problems. Most reasons are none of your business and it is rude to pry unless you are invited to do so.
- You seem too old to adopt (or too young) Your opinions are yours and it is your right to have them however, this as many other topics are, is none of your business. This is an actual comment spoken in the presence of the friend.
- How can you develop a love for someone that isn’t your own flesh and blood? Really? and who may I presume do you expect at the alter on your wedding day? Your brother/sister?
As I am writing I am overwhelmed with the number of questions that come to mind that I have heard mentioned. My advice to you if you want to develop or maintain any type of relationship or even a conversation with this person is this. Think first about what you are saying. If you have not been involved with adoptions there are so many things you do not know although you are in a good place right now! Anything you say about adoption will be spoken in ignorance and that never ends well. If your interest in the situation is genuine and you sincerely are asking, there are a few good “approach the subject” questions you could ask.
- Your son/daughter is beautiful I was wondering if he/she was adopted. This is a forward approach but shows your interest in the child and not on your own opinion of adoption.
- How long was the adoption process? This question is non-threatening and allows the parents to open up about an emotional journey.
Once these questions have been asked, then the family will give you an idea if that is all they care to talk about it or if they would like to share more.
Those of you who’ve had a comment or two, please share them and your thoughts about them as I did above.
Great post, Mr. Moose.
No! Please do add them to the list. I know I’ve only mentioned a FEW of the MANY we’ve all heard. Please anyone write in ones you have heard and your reaction to it.
I hope you don’t mind adding one to the list.
Why did your child’s parent give them up?
I can’t believe the number of people who ask for my son’s story. We haven’t even told our immediate family. It’s my child’s story and it is his to do with as he pleases (when he is of age).
We adopted two children close in age. One woman actually asked, “So, were they buy one get one free?” I felt like responding, “No, but I hear that brains are half price in aisle 3.” Seriously, as posted above, the children are free. The lawyers, foster care, medical care, etc. are not. In the case of Guatemalan adoption, these professionals often do not reduce their fees to parents adopting two at once.
An unrelated comment refers to parents “doing a wonderful act of charity” in adopting. While this is often intended as a genuine compliment, please understand there is a big difference between family and charity. We as parents are so blessed by our children and don’t want our children growing up feeling like charity cases. Truly, we are the ones that are blessed beyond words. An alternative comment might be “What a delightful family the 3/4/more of you make!” or “I can see that you are/will be great parents.”
I posted this on my blog, and I loved your post so I’ll share again. We adotped a son,a nd are in the process of adopting a daughter. A co-worker said to me over lunch, “well, aren’t you worried about them being attracted to each other?” I was speechless, and another co-worker quickly put that idea to rest on my behalf. What a nut.
I have been asked the “how much did she cost?” question one to many times before I finally figured out the perfect response… The day I sarcasticly responded “$2.99/lb” was priceless!