Love Thursday – Friends That Matter

Photo: Ella and her friend J take a “road trip” together

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
- Anais Nin

S and I have been friends for several years. We worked together in a shelter for victims of domestic abuse, and shared some pretty unique experiences. S is a generation “Xer,” and I was born in the middle of the post WWII baby boom; the age difference doesn’t bother us a bit, in fact, it probably enhances our relationship.

Blessed with a great sense of humor and sharp wit, S once responded that she thought I was “old enough to adopt,” when someone asked if I could adopt at “my age.”

S was pregnant with her first child while I was waiting on my referral from Guatemala. Coincidence being an amazing and often wonderful thing, her son was born a mere ten days before Ella.

I don’t remember exactly when I decided to tell S about my adoption plans; I was telling very few people. But I do remember that when I did share my “secret” she didn’t respond with: At your age? What has possessed you? Do you know how old you’ll be when that child graduates from High School? Are you nuts? Is this empty nest syndrome? I guess you couldn’t wait for a grandchild any longer…

No, S took it in stride and told me she was happy for me. I shared photos of Ella, and she let me hold her son J, a beautiful, energetic and enthusiastic little guy. A future “Mommy” friendship was well under way.

When we brought Ella home, I wanted to make sure that she didn’t have anything contagious before she and J would finally meet. S was not at all neurotic about this, but I wanted to be careful. Ella and J were worlds apart developmentally; he was crawling, she could barely hold her head up; he was babbling and she was very quiet. The only thing she had over Jonah, was a lot of teeth coming in, and a full head of black hair (he was bald for quite a while).Not once did my friend S make a comparison between the two. No inappropriate remarks slipped out to remind me that Ella was perhaps a little delayed.

J and Ella see each other regularly; he is an adorable little “firecracker” and I love giving him a hug as he “runs” by. S and I have celebrated milestones together; the kids attended each other’s birthdays, J gave Ella flowers when she got her citizenship. S and I talk on the phone almost every day; she has been a solid, supportive friend and a good resource for all that is new and available in the world of babies. After all, it had been nineteen years since my last baby, who was not even born in the US.

On occasion I’ve shared with S some of the hurtful, inappropriate remarks people have made about our adopting (we are over fifty and have grown children). S’s responses are always calm and sensible, and she doesn’t encourage me to dwell.

J and Ella are both eighteen months old now. Physically they are as different as night and day: J has “white” hair, brilliant blue eyes, and pale skin; Ella has pitch black hair, black eyes, and medium brown skin. J throws himself into every activity at full speed. Ella observes, considers her options, and then joins in.

No doubt as they grow older they will notice that they look different, but I highly doubt that it will bother them. Children aren’t “color blind;” they just don’t see it as an issue UNLESS the adults around them make it one. Meanwhile, the two of them together are like “ebony and ivory,” a beautiful and striking pair indeed.

I have no doubt that J’s parents will never utter a word of any kind of prejudice around J. They have been nothing but loving and tender towards Ella, and I feel so fortunate to count them as friends.

We often joke about the things our two little “toddler terrorists” will be up to as teenagers, and I look forward to a lifelong friendship with Ella’s first friend and his family.

Photo: Ella and J enjoying water play on a long, cold winter day.

Adoption over 40.

For a lot more on older parent adoption, head over to Sandra’s marvelous older parent blog.

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