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Dear Elizabeth,
I’ve just finished reading and rereading your article,“Did I Steal My Daughter?” I highlighted several of your statements and readied myself to begin a systematic and hopefully forceful rebuttal to your article. But then I think “I got it.”
This is not really an article about international adoption or concern about the legitimacy of your daughter’s adoption from Guatemala; this is an article about fear and insecurity – your personal fears and insecurities.
Being Jewish, I can’t help but make the analogy between you and self-hating Jews. Self-hating Jews are most often very fearful, insecure people. They fear anti-Semitism and the road blocks and challenges that it brings; they fear being ostracized for being different; they fear supporting the country of Israel because it often means facing criticism and being in the minority.
Self-hating, self-doubting adoptive parents (and you are not the first) seem to follow a similar pattern. With so much anti-Guatemalan rhetoric in the media, we often have to defend our choice to adopt from Guatemala; this is not easy. We know that all children have issues, and adoptive children have special issues that we will have to help them with all their lives; we will have to be strong and confident role models for them. We fear that if we continue to support Guatemalan adoptions, we will be called all sorts of names; you even suggest that you are a child thief for example!
Your self-doubt and lack of confidence is prevalent throughout the whole article. You question the fact your name is on your daughter’s birth certificate. Well Elizabeth, are you or are you not your daughter’s mother right now? You really need to answer that question.
Adoption is not for the faint of heart; it involves huge leaps of faith and courage. It may mean watching the pain of a grieving child, and as you said about your own daughter: ”for weeks her eyes grazed her new home with a dull blankness—my heart sank.” May I suggest that you replace this image with the image of a Guatemalan mother watching her child die of starvation or illness?
During WWII, Jews in Germany that couldn’t leave the country or had nowhere to go sent their children on trains, often to unknown destinations, in order to save their lives. Some ended up in London, some were later sent overseas to Canada and the US. Most countries refused to accept adult Jews, but were willing to allow a small number of Jewish children to enter the country; children were considered innocent as opposed to their parents who were guilty for being Jews.
I’ve met several of these children and often thought of just how horrific a decision it must have been for the parents: keep your child with you and watch him/her suffer and die, or send them to a total stranger to be raised.
Once again I can’t help but compare this situation to the situation in Guatemala; that is the prism through which I look. With starvation, stunted growth, illness and illiteracy the reality of over 70% of the indigenous population, why is it so surprising, questionable and unfathomable that birth parents give up their children for adoption? Could there be anything more horrible than watching your child suffer? If adoption from Guatemala is closed, this option will be gone; an option far superior to life in an impoverished institution, life on the streets, child labor and marriage as early as thirteen.
Most of us parents of Guatemalan born children would love to see dramatic changes in the beautiful country of Guatemala that would give all children the opportunity to live their lives to their full potential with their birth parents. However, those changes will not come without eliminating the corruption in their government (heck, we can’t get rid of it in our own country).
What we can do is decide how we are going to contribute to the country of our children’s birth. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it: when I adopted my daughter, I adopted her country as well.
I’m sorry that during your stay in Guatemala finalizing the adoption you chose to stay away from “all that camaraderie” (your words) of the adoptive parents at the Marriott; maybe being around other adoptive parents would have actually helped you relieve some of your own anxiety and insecurity.
Now it appears that your are into self-punishment and verbal flagellation. You seem to be feeding your guilt (which I actually think is fear) by chumming up with and quoting angry, frustrated and hateful people in organizations like “Bastard Nation.” May I suggest that you join a mission trip to Guatemala with pro-active organizations like “Friends Through Guatemalan Adoption,”or “Mayan Families,” to name a few? Try connecting with people who don’t look at their adopted child without questioning their existence in the family. Follow web groups that delight in their adopted children without ignoring their heritage.
What it comes down to Elizabeth is that you question your ability, not your right, to parent your Guatemalan born daughter. However, it is not “all about you” now and you really need to “get over yourself,” and get some professional help for your insecurities and fears so that your daughter will have a fighting chance at a normal childhood.
Tragically, as I reread your article for the last time, I concluded that this is probably not going to happen, and this truly is the real tragedy of your daughter’s adoption.
Signed,
A guilt-free blessed mother of an amazing Guatemalan-born daughter.
Got carried away … sorry:
http://international.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/weblogs/a-conversation-about-adoption-guilt
Thanks !!! I tried to read the article when I saw it posted on the forum but it lost me quickly so I was SHOCKED when so many responding posters said it was good?!? I had planned to print it out and try again. But now that I have read your response I don’t need to! (thanks).
I did a search and found the birthmother and she did make an adoption plan for DD. She loved her! So I did not connect with the title even b4 I started trying to read it.
I refused to read this article. My children are a blessing to my wife and myself and we can only be thankful to their Birthmother and God for allowing us to adopt them into our family. I agree with you whole heartedly that this person suffers from severe fear and is more than likely a people pleaser instead of being a people servant!
Thank you for this post! Many excellent points, and I’m so glad to see a “rebuttal” to the article. The author was so scornful of all adoptive parents, not just herself, and I did not appreciate that, not at all.
And, I think sometimes people get carried away with this adoration and romanticism of the birth mother – it’s condescending.
I addressed this adoptive parent phenomenon before both
Here
and
Here.
Good job with your letter.
LOL, links would help wouldn’t they?
http://open.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/weblogs/angry-birthparent-camp-followers
http://open.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/weblogs/adoptive-parents-who-think-they-get-it-p
How is it that just because you don’t feel the same way as Elizabeth Larsen, she must be self-hating and anxiety ridden? I didn’t gather that at all.
Dear Other Mom,
Elizabeth is what she is regardless of our difference of opinion. Lisa S.
bravo and well said
Ive read and reread her article and your response.
you said it far better than I could have given the EMOTIONALLY CHARGED subject.
Deb – thank you so much for posting those links!! It’s an issue I’ve been wondering about, and I was glad to read your thoughts on it.
Thanks for reminding me about your blogs Deb; they are well worth reading.
Lisa S.
I have read Elizabeth’s article and your response as well as Sandra’s. I have also had the opportunity of meeting Elizabeth personally and hearing her speak. I cannot agree with the statements that she is a self-hating or anxiety-ridden mother. She’s confident, articulate, and brave enough to discuss some of the things we adoptive Moms think about but keep hidden in our hearts.
I am an adoptive mother, I fully support IA as a wonderful option for giving children a home and family. I love my son with all my heart, but I also acknowledge that there are some things I feel uncomfortable about with IA in it’s current state. I also felt a little taken aback when I saw my son’s birth certificate with my name on it. I wasn’t expecting that, hadn’t reality thought about actually. But my first reaction was that it was a lie – I didn’t give birth to him and my husband didn’t “father” him. Yes, we are his parents, but he was born to another mother and fathered by another man. It’s a reality.
And, I admit it, I think about his birthmother, his biological siblings, their lives, and how things would be different if they had a social services support system in their country. How they might still be a family. How can you adopt a child and love the child without having some thoughts of his other mother???
Am I self-hating, anxiety-ridden? No I am not. But I have been fearful of the labels and judgments by a faction of the adoption community who sees the honest exploration of feelings and tough moral issues as some type of threat to adoption. Why can’t we have an open dialogue on these issues rather than knee-jerk responses and personal accusations about parental fitness? What are people really afraid of here?
Gina
Wow — I’m really disturbed by how vehement (and personal!) your criticism of that article is! And it makes me think that — given your out-sized reaction — that maybe instead of posting a whole list of things you think about Elizabeth (based on one article) and her parenting and her inner-emotional state that it might be interesting for you to post more about YOU and why/how you dismiss Elizabeth’s (and others’, including adult adoptees’) concerns about international adoption.
As an adoptive mother concerned about adoption reform I appreciate articles that show another side to unquestioning, happy ending adoption. To be responsible parents I think we need to acknowledge the paradoxes and ethical issues in adoption. That doesn’t mean we all need to come to the same conclusions but it certainly means we ought to cut-back the knee-jerk, emotional responses. Because this isn’t a personal blog where you’re venting your opinion — it’s an official adoption.com blog, in which case I think there needs to be a higher level of discourse from the blog authors. That’s not to say one opinion is more valid than another’s but to say that lines like, “you really need to “get over yourself,” and get some professional help for your insecurities and fears so that your daughter will have a fighting chance at a normal childhood.” I mean, jeez. That’s sure not the way to promote a helpful, thoughtful discussion.
(By the way Bastard Nation is NOT a “hateful” organization! In fact many of the members *I’ve* met are pretty fun-loving, jolly people who simply want access to their original birth certificates!)
I think Dawn has nicely articulated pretty much what has disturbed me about your resonse to Elizabeth Larsen’s essay. And I do think you should follow your first instinct and lay out a point by point rebuttal which would be a lot more helpful in trying to understand your viewpoint than this entry that amounts to little more than ranting.
I responded to Gina privately, and I’ll say just a couple more things to Dawn and Other Mom.
I am not and have never been opposed to concerns about international adoption; on the contrary.
What I am opposed to is articles written with inflamatory titles by people who have completed their adoptions, during a time when adoptions in process from Guatemala are threatened, and the whole future of adoptions from there is in jeopardy.
In addition, there is something very disturbing about questioning whether a child should be with you or not when that child is, in fact, being raised by you at the moment.
If both of you were to read all my blogs, you would see that I have examined most, if not all, the issues you’ve raised since I’ve started blogging with this company.
Lisa S.
Lisa, your response of “well read all of my blogs before commenting on this one” to relevant criticism doesn’t hold water.
Why?
Because I cannot imagine that you read any other articles by Elizabeth Larsen (and she has many that have been published) before writing your screed against her filled with inaccurate personal attacks. If you have read her other articles, your post makes even less sense than it does right now.
Another reason?
Because it is completely unrealistic to ask readers who have come over to your blog by your direct invitation to read one post to have to/or be expected to read every single one of your previous posts in order to put your current post into perspective. That is a mark of poor writing. Either your current post stands on its own, or it isn’t very revelant or clearly written.
And (since you seem to be unaware of this) – Elizabeth Larsen didn’t choose the title to her work. It is a rare thing for article authors getting published by major magazines to get “title” authority. Most often (as was the case for the mother jones article) the magazine itself chooses the title for each piece they publish. So, if you main objective was to the “incendiary” title – umm, take that up with mother jones. Don’t attribute motives you can have no personal knowledge of to the author of the actual piece, especially when you are basing your assumptions on a faulty first assumption of who chose the article title.
I think you owe Elizabeth Larsen an apology for the personal attacks on her character and her parenting that you have subjected her to in this blog post. I also hope you can start to hear what those of us who have commented on this are saying, and not try to deflect our constructive criticism away by telling us that we have failed to understand because we haven’t read everything you have ever written in order to understand you. You didn’t do that before you wrote about Ms. Larsen – so stop using that as a shield.
I too would be very interested in hearing a point by point rebuttal – prefereably without any attacks on Ms. Larsen or assumptions about her parenting abilities or inner most thoughts. Perhaps you will be willing to do that.
Dear Mamaloo,
I am well aware that magazines often choose titles; however, the writer always has the option of not publishing the article.
I’m most certainly not asking you to read my blogs; my point was that IF you read my blogs, you would know that I’ve discussed many of the points Elizabeth brought up.
Thanks for commenting.
Lisa S.
I give up. Good luck with your blogging.
Good reflection. Thanks! We adopted our son from Guatemala six years ago from the recently raided Casa Quivira. Here’s my $.02: http://richardlsmith.blogspot.com/
Thank you, Lisa. I read this article and it just did not sit right with me. I kept thinking about it and thinking about it trying to articulate why I was bothered so much. You said it for me.
Thank you mediate 24.
Lisa S.