Dear Elizabeth,

I’ve just finished reading and rereading your article,"Did I Steal My Daughter?” I highlighted several of your statements and readied myself to begin a systematic and hopefully forceful rebuttal to your article. But then I think “I got it.”

This is not really an article about international adoption or concern about the legitimacy of your daughter’s adoption from Guatemala; this is an article about fear and insecurity - your personal fears and insecurities.

Being Jewish, I can’t help but make the analogy between you and self-hating Jews. Self-hating Jews are most often very fearful, insecure people. They fear anti-Semitism and the road blocks and challenges that it brings; they fear being ostracized for being different; they fear supporting the country of Israel because it often means facing criticism and being in the minority.

Self-hating, self-doubting adoptive parents (and you are not the first) seem to follow a similar pattern. With so much anti-Guatemalan rhetoric in the media, we often have to defend our choice to adopt from Guatemala; this is not easy. We know that all children have issues, and adoptive children have special issues that we will have to help them with all their lives; we will have to be strong and confident role models for them. We fear that if we continue to support Guatemalan adoptions, we will be called all sorts of names; you even suggest that you are a child thief for example!

Your self-doubt and lack of confidence is prevalent throughout the whole article. You question the fact your name is on your daughter’s birth certificate. Well Elizabeth, are you or are you not your daughter’s mother right now? You really need to answer that question.

Adoption is not for the faint of heart; it involves huge leaps of faith and courage. It may mean watching the pain of a grieving child, and as you said about your own daughter: ”for weeks her eyes grazed her new home with a dull blankness—my heart sank." May I suggest that you replace this image with the image of a Guatemalan mother watching her child die of starvation or illness?

During WWII, Jews in Germany that couldn’t leave the country or had nowhere to go sent their children on trains, often to unknown destinations, in order to save their lives. Some ended up in London, some were later sent overseas to Canada and the US. Most countries refused to accept adult Jews, but were willing to allow a small number of Jewish children to enter the country; children were considered innocent as opposed to their parents who were guilty for being Jews.

I’ve met several of these children and often thought of just how horrific a decision it must have been for the parents: keep your child with you and watch him/her suffer and die, or send them to a total stranger to be raised.

Once again I can’t help but compare this situation to the situation in Guatemala; that is the prism through which I look. With starvation, stunted growth, illness and illiteracy the reality of over 70% of the indigenous population, why is it so surprising, questionable and unfathomable that birth parents give up their children for adoption? Could there be anything more horrible than watching your child suffer? If adoption from Guatemala is closed, this option will be gone; an option far superior to life in an impoverished institution, life on the streets, child labor and marriage as early as thirteen.

Most of us parents of Guatemalan born children would love to see dramatic changes in the beautiful country of Guatemala that would give all children the opportunity to live their lives to their full potential with their birth parents. However, those changes will not come without eliminating the corruption in their government (heck, we can’t get rid of it in our own country).

What we can do is decide how we are going to contribute to the country of our children’s birth. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it: when I adopted my daughter, I adopted her country as well.

I’m sorry that during your stay in Guatemala finalizing the adoption you chose to stay away from "all that camaraderie” (your words) of the adoptive parents at the Marriott; maybe being around other adoptive parents would have actually helped you relieve some of your own anxiety and insecurity.

Now it appears that your are into self-punishment and verbal flagellation. You seem to be feeding your guilt (which I actually think is fear) by chumming up with and quoting angry, frustrated and hateful people in organizations like “Bastard Nation.” May I suggest that you join a mission trip to Guatemala with pro-active organizations like “Friends Through Guatemalan Adoption,”or “Mayan Families,” to name a few? Try connecting with people who don't look at their adopted child without questioning their existence in the family. Follow web groups that delight in their adopted children without ignoring their heritage.

What it comes down to Elizabeth is that you question your ability, not your right, to parent your Guatemalan born daughter. However, it is not "all about you" now and you really need to "get over yourself," and get some professional help for your insecurities and fears so that your daughter will have a fighting chance at a normal childhood.

Tragically, as I reread your article for the last time, I concluded that this is probably not going to happen, and this truly is the real tragedy of your daughter’s adoption.

Signed,

A guilt-free blessed mother of an amazing Guatemalan-born daughter.