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Yes! Often bringing children home well under a year old, parents adopting Guatemalan babies may be caught off guard by some of the issues they are facing. Some of the little ones stop eating, get diarrhea, won’t sleep, cry non-stop, and are irritable and just plain miserable for short or longer periods of time.
It is always wise to have these types of problems checked out by a pediatrician to rule out an illness. However if they get a clean bill of health, there is a good chance that your baby is grieving. Some well meaning people (or not so well meaning people) will try to tell you it has nothing to do with the adoption; for your own sanity, please ignore them.
Some infants don’t react initially, saving their response for a later date. You bring them home, they are well settled, appear happy; eat and sleep without a hiccup. Then after a few weeks or more they start changing. Suddenly they don’t want to sleep in their bed; they want to be held all the time, they fuss over every little thing and look like they’ve lost their best friend.
In her excellent book “Raising Adopted Children,” Lois Melina does a wonderful job of explaining this and I recommend reading it.
So what can we do to get through this period? Well, if we get an opportunity to visit beforehand, that can certainly help you get to know your little one and be better prepared. Since that is not always an option, there are other ways of making the transition a little easier.
Babies quickly find comfort from being held, fed, cuddled and put to sleep in certain ways. Take the time to ask the foster mother numerous questions about the baby’s routine: how, when and where they like to be fed and put to sleep, dressed and diapered; what calms them down and what upsets them. If you can bring home a few of the toys that the baby had at their foster family’s home, that can make them feel better as well.
Some adoptive parents don’t approve of the way foster parents do certain things but if they aren’t harmful to the baby, try not to eliminate them immediately. You can gradually transition them to your ways as time progresses.
In many adoptive parents’ blogs I’m amazed how many of them sound like fairy tales that end with “happily ever after” when the baby arrives. This can be very intimidating and downright depressing for some parents. Why isn’t my child happy all the time? Why won’t she/he sleep? Why does she cry so much? What am I doing wrong? On most forums the contact between parents ends when the baby comes home, with only a few brave ones daring to discuss issues they are having.
Unfortunately it seems like there is some unspoken taboo about talking about issues once the babies are home. It doesn’t mean that you are ungrateful if you reach out for some help during difficult times. I don’t believe that there are perfect babies out there and why should anyone expect that? So let’s try to encourage people to feel at ease discussing challenges with their new babies.
Being prepared as a parent is important. You need to learn about how to care for your child if you are a new parent. They are many good books out there and I personally recommend anything Penelope Leach or the Drs. Sears (Bill, John, and Bob) write. But you must also remember that your child hasn’t started their life out with you, so stock up on some adoption books as well. Two excellent ones I recommend are “Attaching in Adoption” by Deborah Gray, and “Raising Adopted Children” by Lois Melina.
I do believe that “love conquers all” when it comes to raising our children, but I will add that a lot of patience and a good sense of humor go a long way as well.
great, great post! It certainly makes me feel more at ease. I have been referred to those books by adoptive parents, I think I will be searching them out for sure!
Both of those books are excellent and are well-dog-eared on my bookshelf
Lisa, sadly, it’s true that forum discussions often end after pick-up and it can be a stressful and, frankly, miserable time. Thanks so much for bringing this issue into the light. It makes a world of difference!!
Thanks for your comments!
Lisa
I just returned from Guatemala and must say it is a bit of a mess right now but at least they are trying to do the right thing for the children and parents. Too many people and agency’s there were baby brokering for profit. They were going into villages and tricking illiterate and poverty stricken family’s to give up a child for a kickback. In desperation and ignorance, many did. Many foreigners were not adopting children they were buying them as they would a new puppy. Its unethical and wrong. Being poor is not a reason to take a child away from a family. Many children adopted by foreigners were taken away from families that loved and cherished their children. To those that really want to make a difference in a Guatemalan child’s life donate food, clothing and money to the current organizations that are trying to keep the children with their family’s instead of buying their children from them. God would want that and thank God the US and Guatemalan gov’t’s have finally stepped in. If you have adopted a child from Guatemala, I would check to make sure that the child’s parents really did want to give the child up because you child may have ignorantly bought a child from a loving family now devastated by the sale. If you want to find children that really need a family, I suggest going to the Guatemalan city dump. Many homeless children live there and are being ignored because they are not newborns.