This year many children being adopted from Guatemala are coming home older than they have been in the last couple years. Although anyone getting to bring their child home is initially just plain grateful that the adoption is completed during these turbulent times, it is good to be aware of challenges that come with an older child.

The older the child, the more traumatic the adoption will be. Crying, tantrums, eating and sleeping issues are common responses to this huge change in their life. Some children may refuse to be held or touched by one parent or the other and seem inconsolable.

This is heartbreaking for new parents, but it is generally temporary until your child learns to trust you and becomes attached. Well meaning friends and family may be quick to give you advice that is not particularly sound and you’d be wise to follow guidelines from adoption literature instead. Letting a child cry it out, standing on rules from day one and going head to head on issues will generally not only not solve problems, but will frighten and frustrate your child even more.

If I could do it again, I would have done the transfer from foster mother to us differently. The first day I would have spent a couple hours with Ella, and then sent her home with her foster mother. Only after several days of increasing the time with her would I have her sleep at the hotel with us. Most people don’t have this luxury of time, as we didn’t, but if there is any way you can have the foster parents visit for a few hours every day until you leave, this would be emotionally healthier than a one time abrupt separation. When the foster parents just up and disappear, it is terrifying.

With many children being around a year old when they come home, they are already suffering stranger anxiety, and face it, unless you’ve been visiting Guatemala regularly, you are a stranger to your child. Take everything slowly: eating and sleeping routines, meeting new people, going out to new places. Keeping life simple and fairly quiet is usually the best prescription. If there are other children in the family it may make the adjustment easier for the new child.

There is little chance that your child will want to sleep alone in a bedroom when they first come home. Sleeping in their room with them or bringing them into your bed are two solutions. Try not to make your child’s sleeping issues your main focus even though you are tired. This is only one part of their lives. Your focus the first few weeks should be on building a strong attachment with your child.

If several weeks have gone by and your child is still really miserable, I strongly recommend seeking professional help. Your adoption agency should be able to recommend someone who has experience with adoption.

Lastly I think it is important to have patience for yourself. The adjustment to bringing a new child home can be huge, and post adoption depression is not uncommon. The older the child, the more challenging it can be in my opinion. In addition, sometimes it takes the parents a while to attach to their child. That combined with the challenges of the child’s adjustment can make for a tense situation.

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